


Not Yet

by beautifulboimckinley



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Abuse, Angst, M/M, PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-08 09:31:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11078829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beautifulboimckinley/pseuds/beautifulboimckinley
Summary: Jeremy's SQUIP appeared as Michael. The consequences are debilitating.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A newer, cooler version](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10859001) by [Abiggaynerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abiggaynerd/pseuds/Abiggaynerd). 



"Do you still think it?"  
"What'd you mean, Jeremy? Do I still think what?" Michael carefully placed a hand on Jeremy's shoulder. Jeremy tensed noticeably and took a shuddering breath.  
"Do I still make you wanna die?"  
"What? I never - I - what? You've never made me want to die, Miah, wha -"  
"IT WAS A LIE?" Tears sprung from Jeremy's eyes and dripped down his cheeks in silent, quivering despair.  
"Jeremy, I have no idea what you're talking about..."  
"PLEASE, just TURN OFF! Leave me alone for once! You - you don't ever remember what you did to me?"  
Michael breathed in and said, "Jeremy, please, I don't understand what's going on -"  
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I know you're gonna help me - I'm sorry for doubting you please don't hurt me I'm sorry,"  
Suddenly Michael understood. "Am I, er, was I? Your...SQUIP?  
"Oh. You're not..." Relief seemed to melt off of Jeremy like dripping wax.  
"No, no! It's me, Miah. It's your friend, your pal? Your player 2?" His eyes pleaded, trying to convince his dear friend that he was safe, he wouldn't hurt him...  
"I'm sorry. I thought -"  
"It's ok, I promise, Jeremy. I swear, man." Jeremy curled up slightly, seemingly relaxing little by little.  
"Hey, uh, Jeremy -" Jeremy's spine straightened and he lifted his chin up, revealing eyes that withheld a look of sheer panic.  
"I'm sorry! I'll try to remember! Please don't!"  
"Please don't...what?"  
"I'm sorry, I'm still kind of convinced you're the SQUIP. He, um, used to shock me when I slouched." Michael's face grew red-hot.  
"He WHAT? I can't believe... Jesus, Miah, we've gotta get you to a therapist. And soon."  
"No, no, it's really not a big deal. I deserved it."  
For a couple minutes, the pair sat in silence. Michael could sense the electric anxiety bouncing about in the hospital room, reflecting off of every blinding white sterile surface. He looked towards Jeremy and noticed his eyelids drooping and his head leaning. The poor kid was tired and nervous. He needed rest.  
"Jeremy, I think you should lie down." Almost like a reflex, milliseconds after Michael gave the request, Jeremy hurriedly lay on the bed, head resting balanced on his pillow.  
"What now?" Jeremy asked, his eyes pleading for another direction. Christ, he needed help. Michael could tell him to do anything - to jump off a goddamn balcony - and Jeremy would obey without a second thought.  
"Oh, no, man...it was just an idea. I thought you might need some sleep, you looked pretty tired, that's all. You don't - you really don't need to do that. It's ok."  
"For now, could you just give me some direction? I'm sorry, I'm just, um, adjusting. I don't really remember how to live without constant instructions, I'm sorry, Michael, it's just that -"  
"You want me to be your SQUIP?" A few fresh tears rolled onto Jeremy's chin.  
"Please, I'm sorry, I need help, I know."  
"Uh, ok. Close your eyes and take some deep breaths. In...2...3...4...out..." Probably for the first time in a couple of days, Jeremiah Heere fell asleep.  
He awoke clinging to Michael. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I know cuddling isn't cool I'm -"  
"It's ok. Just calm down, I won't hurt you." At these words, Jeremy flinched. "Oh, I didn't mean that as like, a command. More like a goal, I guess? An ideal mindset?"  
"Oh, I'm sorry for misinterpreting, I've got to learn. I'm an idiot. You can go ahead and -"  
"This is really bad." Michael sighed.  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everything about me is so terrible, I know, everything about me makes you wanna die, I'm so sorry."  
Michael pulled out his phone and googled "How to help victim of extreme abuse, flinches whenever I say anything or tell him anything". He scrolled through the results, looking for an article -  
"Michael, I'm in love with you."  
"No you're not. That goddamn computer manipulated you into loving me. You don't love me, Jer, I'm sorry."  
"Yes I do!"  
"Pull out your IV." Jeremy reached for the cord.  
"WAIT! STOP!" The boy cowered in fear and began to cry.  
"Jeremy, this is why you can't love me. Not yet."


	2. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's getting better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got so much positive feedback so i decided to write a happier chap. 2!! it's not very long because tbh i didn't have too many ideas here but :) i hope you enjoy!!!

"Ok, Jeremy, we're gonna practice something."  
"Uh, ok. What is it?"  
"I'm gonna give you a small command. And you're gonna try to ignore what I tell you. Alright?"  
"Alright. Blink 5 times." Jeremy began to blink, 1...2...3...4...times! Only four times! Michael smiled sweetly and looked towards Jeremy, who seemed exceedingly confused at the reaction.   
"Miah! You only blinked four times!"  
"Oh, sorry."  
"No, no, that's great! I'm proud of you, man."  
"Oh!" He grinned at the realization. And that bright smile and pink face was going to be the death of Michael, goddamnit.   
"Mario Kart, Miah?"  
"Hell yeah. I'll take Peach!" Oh my god. He did it. He did it!  
"Jeremy! You did it! Holy shit!"  
"What?"  
"Remember your goal? You told me that you wanted to work towards doing something first - you know, without my permission?" Jeremy blinked a couple times. A small giggle escaped his mouth. He began to laugh and laugh and laugh, and he was sort of crying at the same time, and Michael could see tears of happiness that had rolled down his cheeks.   
"Oh my god, I did it!"   
"We have to celebrate! I'm so happy for you, man."  
Jeremy was happy. His hair was messy and he didn't try to fix it. His shirt was wrinkled and he didn't try to smooth it. He was smiling and he didn't try to contain his emotions and Michael's stomach was flipping.   
"Where do you wanna go?"  
"What do you thi - Pinkberry!"  
"Sweet."   
The duo ate their fro-yo at a couples table.   
"Hey Michael? The hospital seems so far away."  
"In a good way?"  
"Definitely. It was a bad time for me, I'm sure you could tell, I mean. I'm just, uh. Glad that's behind us."  
"Yeah."  
"Do you remember what I told you at the hospital?" Michael's stomach did somersaults and his body seemed to melt into the chair.   
"Yeah? Yeah."   
"You said I couldn't love you yet."   
"Uh. Yeah -"   
Jeremy took a shaky breath in.   
"Can I love you now?"  
"I don't think you need my permission anymore, Jeremy."  
"I love you, Michael Mell."  
"I love you too, Jeremiah Heere."  
"I'm gonna kiss you after I finish my yogurt."   
Yogurt was finished, lips were pressed together, hands were held, and promises were made. Two boys, giddy and smiling, walking back home with a bounce in their step, eyes withholding a beautiful sparkle. Two boys who announced their relationship with glee, who leaned on each other for support, who didn't let anything get between them.   
The two boys were getting better. Jeremy stopped looking at the trauma tag on Tumblr. Michael stopped reading WikiHows on helping victims of abuse. Jeremy had nightmares, and sometimes Michael discovered scars across his boyfriend's wrists. Pills were all kept in childproof containers. Tears fell, smiles faded, Jeremy flinched whenever Michael yelled at a video game. Michael stopped yelling at video games.   
Sometimes they yelled, but they never fought. They yelled at the demons that resided in them, they yelled at the residue of a computerized pill, they yelled at life and death and people and code. They didn't yell at each other.   
There were ups and downs. There always are.   
The butterflies never left Michael's stomach.   
Jeremy was beautiful.  
Jeremy was recovering.   
Jeremy was in love.   
Jeremy was relearning.   
Michael still grasped Jeremy's hand whenever they walked past a Mountain Dew ad.   
"Clap twice."  
Jeremy's hands stayed still.

**Author's Note:**

> apparently i tore people's hearts out with this damn ??


End file.
